#26 - Untitled

I was in a three-year relationship with a boy who I thought I was in love with. We were going on good, and we had unprotected sex all the time. So it was shocking when I told him I was pregnant, and the first thought he had was that it could not have been his. This guy was the only person I was having sex with. I tried to convince him that it had to be his child but he was convinced otherwise.

From the day I told him I was pregnant, he became a totally different man. I used to cry every day about the situation. One time I went to his house to try and convince him some more and he gave me a prescription to go to the pharmacy and said that it would be some pills for me to do an abortion. He got the prescription from a doctor that he was really close with and said I should get the money on my own because its not his and he’s just helping me out!

At that time I was 17 years of age, I found out I was pregnant in July in the summer holidays and September I would be a first-year student in college. (I already got accepted), and I didn’t want to disappoint my parents, because regardless of having a boyfriend, I always did well in school. I got good grades had lots of awards. So with all of that on my mind, I decided to get the money from a friend to fill the prescription. 

When I got the pills I instantly Googled them, and they were indeed abortion pills and I read the instructions on how to properly take them. At this time I was about 5 weeks pregnant. 

I inserted some of the pills, and took some orally, and started to bleed a few hours later. I was so scared that I would die in the process, but I did it anyway; it wasn’t an easy decision. During the whole process, I was very weak. I still didn’t tell my parents, when I was bleeding they thought it was my normal menstrual cycle. 

At this point, I decided to break all communication with my boyfriend too. So I was by myself in the situation. Now, whenever I see babies I instantly get sad. I also fear that I won’t be able to have children when I finish college. If I could go back in time I wouldn’t have done an abortion.

#25 - Salt Like I-Maroon

Me really wah fight people how everything that is not supposed to be their business… but is their business.

I’ve had more than one abortion. Not 27…or a 12 or even 5. But more than one. I think 3. One I knowingly had to do at that “16 young and dumb” period in life. Another when the Dr. who did the “16 young and dumb” abortion, botched it and I nearly passed out realizing I was still there pregnant after paying for an abortion weeks before and my last abortion was in my twenties.

Lemme precede this with some information. I don’t know about anyone else, but we’ve been made to think that we’re so horrible for having an abortion, whether for medical reasons or otherwise; that we literally think there is a shitpile of bad luck waiting out there for us. I feel that way. I felt that way for a long time. You know when ppl buck them toe them normally say the devil…like I immediately would think that it’s because “mi dash weh a belly”…bellies? Is it the same belly…I deven know.

So my next abortion now. Hear how mi salt nuh bloodclaat!! My period does not miss and mi very fertile. I started worrying if I was pregnant. I had terrible cramps. And couldn’t go to the bathroom normally. I either had the runs or I was constipated. At the time my partner and I (together for years and my child’s father, had just parted ways. Amicably).

How can I have a baby for someone who doesn’t want to be in a traditional family situation anymore… I thought (if I was indeed pregnant and not just someone with a stomach virus). Thinking that I could be pregnant but hoping I wasn’t. I literally was undecided but I was really saying that I could have the baby. Because its not like I didn’t know who I was pregnant by or anything like that. I finally decide to go to the doctor just to see what’s going on. Long story fucking short…the Dr. squeezed the cold jelly on my belly and start running the thingy around looking for the baby. Looking for the baby…. looking for baby….guess wah?! No bloodclaat baby nuh inna me uterus! But mi have a a positive pregnancy test. Immediately me start feel like me ago be one a them eedyat headline deh inna Star “ Duppy Baby Grows Inside Woman”

You know by this time me really lay down inna da radiology office deh a wonder if me did tek somebody man, or make dem lose dem work or stop somebody from a get a promotion. Some rass ting. Cause this cya real. In a nutshell, the radiologist was so baffled by the whole thing that he called his intern to explain. (I’m now the centerpiece at the Medical Oddities Affair). The baby was growing outside of my reproductive zone. Completely. Not in my tubes either like a normal ectopic pregnancy. U see that… a normal ectopic pregnancy. Ectopic pregnancies are not normal. But the degree of oddity taking place in my body made it seem like that. A good size baby too.

His options: Abort it or die. I went through that whole ordeal alone. I made an impromptu will (not like me did have nutn fi will at the time) and instructions to take my child to his father. I drove to the hospital and parked my car. I checked myself in. Told my parents I had a business event. The stakes were high. High. As. Bloodclaat. I could die on the table. Every nursing student come look pan mi… every doctor come talk to me. At one point I slept with my gown up under my breasts because every other 15 minutes somebody wanted to listen to something or press dung pan mi belly 🙄. I never told anyone because if I went into the details of what was really happening, me wudda well and dead based on their un- medical opinions. A wudda just bawling and fish n bread eating BEFORE mi dead. Couldn’t manage that energy so I did it alone.

Obviously I survived. I overheard doctors and nurses talking about the baby obstructing digestive organs. About the baby being a girl. About them preserving the feotus in formaldehyde as a teaching tool or something like that. Bwoy, I have to look back and count my blessings ( or curses… depending on how you look at it).

I think probably need to talk to a therapist in my lifetime. Probably soon. Until then, me just bury it with a to do list, and my child’s achievements, my achievements and relationship stuff like every other WOMAN. One more difficult decision that had to be made while these fucking idiots sit and talk about things that don’t affect them.

#24 - Untitled

[submitted via Instagram]

Hey 👋 Good night I don’t know where to start from but I did 2 abortion one in 2015 and one in 2017 and up to this day I sometimes cry myself to sleep.

Its hard! In 2015 I just left high school with only 3 subjects, I couldn’t have a baby plus my relationship was on the verge off falling apart. 

I went the bandoloo way and as expected I almost died… The pain I felt that night I could have push my head through a grill and not feel it 😭 that was the worst night of my life. Signs of conception were still inside me and I ended up at the hospital. Long story short, the hospital took care of it and me, and I was discharged soon after. 

2017 I ended up back in the same boat I begged and pleaded with this man, “please let us keep our baby”, “we will get help” etc. He said no I’m too young blah blah… I ended up at doctor who did it for $25,000 this time - it was a new method, the suction one. I went on the bed and he was trying to dilate me to 1 inch or something of that sort I saw my ‘baby’ in a container… 😭

I was 1 month and some days the both time I did it… I wish i could tell them I’m so sorry 😭

#23 - I Lost Her

Growing up I promised myself that no matter the situation, I would never have an abortion. I even got mad at a friend who chose to have one.
It wasn’t until I was in the situation that I truly understood. 

The father of the child said we weren’t ready and it was either I terminate the pregnancy or I raise the child on my own. I turned to my mom and she agreed with him and I was too scared to talk to my dad. What choice did I have? 

After I did it, for months I suffered with depression, I looked in the mirror and I couldn’t recognize myself. I drank, I prayed, I talked to people, but nothing seemed to work. There were mornings I woke up and wished I didn’t. I just wanted to die. I just could not forgive myself. I love children but gave up mine for a relationship that ended anyways.

#22 - Untitled

In 2010 I found myself pregnant. I will not get into the mundane (or not so mundane) mechanics of it except to say that I was devastatingly unprepared, in more ways than one, and terrified out of my wits. There was something in me that knew I was pregnant before the one friend I felt comfortable enough to tell, convinced me to do the test. I had done one before but it was too early. Despite that initial negative, I knew.

I remember it like it was yesterday. We planned a time when neither of us had classes, from the night before. The next day we met and walked to the university health centre; my heart beating at unhealthy rates. When we got there she did the dirty work for me. She purchased the test and took the mandatory talk by the nurse while I waited outside, trying desperately to calm my overworked nerves. She came out several minutes later and we walked to the bathroom to get it over with.

I took several deep breaths before I entered that dreadful corner stall. I stood there looking at it, willing myself not to get an anxiety attack while simultaneously willing the little white stick not to get two lines when I peed on it. I eventually got around to doing it and left the stall to await my fate. The longest three minutes of my life. I gave it to my friend to break the news, being too nervous to look at it myself. She never said yes or no. Just a nod. I was officially pregnant.

Confirmation is a bitch. I felt dizzy. I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn’t come. I needed to be calm to keep that impending anxiety attack at bay and I think I did it by stepping outside of myself. Suddenly I was calm. I could hear my friend telling me it was going to be ok and trying to explore my options with me. I knew it was going on but it no longer felt like it was happening to me.

We walked back to the centre of campus. My next class was in less than 15 minutes. The rest of that day dragged on and on with me just going through the motions. It didn’t hit me until I got home that night. I was pregnant and I had no fucking clue what I was going to do. I cried myself to sleep that night and several nights after that. I had never felt so alone in my entire life.

I started feeling sick every day. No, not just in the morning, all the fucking time. At first, I couldn’t eat at all without throwing up. Then I couldn’t have enough to eat. Then all I wanted was god-forsaken St. Mary’s banana chips and 7-up all damn day. My hormones were out of kilter, I cried at the drop of a hat and I just could not deal.

I realized that I could not deal with the changes my body was going through much less to handle and throw myself headfirst into motherhood. I was in no place financially or emotionally to care for a child. I began despising the thing inside me that was causing me all this anguish but mostly l hated myself for the way things were. I found everything to blame myself for. It was easier to deal with the disgust I felt for myself than to face the real problem. That I was pregnant and I didn’t want to be.

Now I had always been pro-choice. I strongly felt that a woman’s body belonged to her and therefore the decision to keep or not keep a foetus inside that body was solely hers. It was not so black and white when I was in a position where I had to choose. I felt extremely guilty about wanting to abort. I struggled with the decision for a very long time.

My position had not really changed. I still believed that only women could decide this for themselves. While in the position however, I could not isolate myself from the cultural context I grew up in and was surrounded by. Suddenly I was aware that every taxi or bus I ended up on was playing one of the many vitriolic songs that vilified women for exercising their sexual and reproductive health rights. Every ‘dash weh belly’ and ‘walking cemetery’ song felt like a personal attack. I was even more confused. Maybe I am a bad person for wanting to do this. Perhaps I am indeed being selfish.

After class one day I went to my lecturer, whom I trusted and had somewhat developed a relationship with, and asked about her position on abortions. As expected, she said she was pro-choice. We had a brief  (and general) conversation about it and I started to feel better. Somebody understood; even if it was in a vacuum. Not long after that I told her I was pregnant, that I didn’t know what to do and she was supportive. This became the only solace for me. I stopped going to school and classes except when I had her classes. Even when we didn’t talk, seeing her was enough to remind me that I had someone on my side who wasn’t judging me.

By this time however, I had isolated myself from my friends, who were my main source of support. I was unreachable to all the people I cared about and who cared about me. Perhaps it was my own doing but I was so alone that it hurt physically. There were times when I had anxiety attacks because I felt unloved. Why was nobody there? I didn’t feel that I could talk to anyone about it. About how hard it was physically and mentally. How I often thought death was the only way out. I was depressed and doing poorly in school which brought on even more feelings of hopelessness.

In all the back and forth with my conscience and dealing with the everyday task of getting out of bed, I had not been taking time into consideration. One day while walking from class an acquaintance joked that I looked fat. The hysteria that gripped my soul after this encounter cannot be explained. This was happening and I needed to make a decision fast. I then found out from my very good friend Google that I was further along in medical terms than I thought because it is checked from your last period. Full-blown panic. What if it was too late and I was forced to carry this foetus to full term? I was devastated.

In my heightened state of hysteria, I turned to my lecturer who found a trustworthy doctor for me to go to. Did I mention that I was broke? Oh yes, I was. I had a fairly expensive phone and I sold it. I scheduled my appointment and was told I could come in that afternoon.

My heart and mouth were in the same place as I listened for my name in that tiny waiting area. I looked at all the other patients suspiciously. I wondered if they knew why I was there. If it was written on my forehead. When it was my turn to see the doctor I walked slowly inside and to stop myself from freezing up I blurted “I think I’m pregnant and I’m not sure I want it.” At this point, I knew I didn’t. My mind was made up but I couldn’t bring myself to say the word abortion. I also didn’t want him to think I was flippant. I needed him to know that I struggled with the decision. I mentioned school and other activities I was involved in to convince him that I wasn’t careless. Perhaps I was trying to convince myself too.

After a routine check up we agreed on the next morning to do the procedure. I was relieved.

But the next morning came and I could not go. I just wasn’t able to. I was emotionally drained and wasn’t able to face it. I did not get out of bed that day. I cried until I just couldn’t cry anymore. That night I looked in the mirror and spoke to myself and the foetus. I told her (I imagined it to be a girl) that I liked her but she couldn’t be inside me anymore. I told her that I had things to do, dreams to fulfil, places to see and growing up to do before I could do a good job of taking care of her. I didn’t know I had gotten so attached and it was heartbreaking.

The next morning I got up and went for the procedure sans thoughts.

The waiting time was long, which threatened to give me cold feet but I stuck it out. I did paperwork (read: fake and code stuff because this was illegal). In the operating room, after prepping, I was given anaesthesia and asked to count to five. The last thing I remember was saying three….

A couple hours later when I woke up groggy, it was quite fitting that the island was placed on hurricane watch. I felt like the after effects of a hurricane for several months after. The bigger half of me was relieved but a slightly smaller half was sad and regretful. It took me a long time to understand that I did the best with what I had and needed to forgive myself.

Today I am ok with the decision I made. It was the best decision for me at the time and I am at peace. Yes, there are still moments when I try to envision what could’ve been or something triggers a bad memory but I am no longer regretful.

Up to this point I have avoided any serious contemplation and reflection on this part of  my past because it is unpleasant and rakes up old wounds. It rests greatly on me how many women, and especially young girls, go through this alone. So as I come out to and for myself, I also come out for all those women who think they are facing it alone and that they’ll never survive. It gets better.

We often blame and shame women for making these decisions but do we take the time to understand in a nuanced way? I have met many women who have terminated pregnancies and it is never easy. The moral debate will possibly rage on into eternity but in the meantime can we support women so they can continue to be healthy and productive citizens? There is a perception that it is careless women who access abortion services but we’d be surprised at the people around us who’ve had to terminate pregnancies for whatever reason.

——–

Addendum: I wrote this 5 years ago when I contemplated publishing it in the newspapers. I ultimately decided not to. I wasn’t sure I was ready for the kinda 'fame’ that would inevitably come with it. There’s also no statute of limitations on abortions and mi nuh think jail would a fit mi.

Anyhow, I now have a toddler. When I found out I was pregnant this time, I felt ready enough - especially emotionally and financially. We are doing well. No regrets.

#21 - Untitled

I had moved to Kingston to attend college. This was my first time away from home. My first time away from my very strict upbringing. I never thought I would stray from my upbringing of being a reserved child. I heard my friends at school talking about online dating, how they’ve met “rich” older men who’d spoil them and all. I decided to try this online thing out of curiosity. I tried it but I wasn’t looking for the basic stuff my friends were looking for, I was looking for love (Oh silly me). After a month of being on a site, I meet a soldier. The best man anyone could get at the time. He said he was out of a relationship for months, and he was looking for a woman who’d love him. He said all the right things to win me. We had sex every day for a month, almost anywhere. The relationship was next to perfect.

My period was late. I’ve never had a late period. 28 days cycle 5 days of menstruating, it was like clockwork. I didn’t panic because I associated the lateness to the regular sex and I decided to wait for a week then take a pregnancy test. A week pass and nothing. I bought a test, took it and the thing I fear the most 2 red lines. I sat in the bathroom thinking. The first thought was abortion was not an option. I was willing to sacrifice a promising future, being disgraced by my family,  disowned by my parents and having to take on motherhood at 17 with a man I barely knew, miles away from home and family.

I sat in the bathroom thinking how am I going to tell him. I was living with my best friend at the time and she came home and saw me in the bathroom. She saw the test and she said to me “please don’t decide to do an abortion. I did 1 and it was painful and you’ll regret it. I’ll help with whatever you need. I’ll even look an evening job to help you take care of the baby.” I told her I was thinking of an abortion. She then asked if I had told the guy already I said no. She said I should tell him immediately. I tried calling him, I got no answer. So I left a text message that we needed to talk in person. He replied hours later that he won’t be able to see me and whatever I had to say can be sent in a text message.  We went back and forth about texting what I had to say until I eventually sent him the text that I was pregnant and I sent a picture of the test. He called me immediately and said i have to do an abortion. My heart fell and I hang up and started to cry.

Weeks went by he barely spoke to me. I started having morning sickness, I couldn’t stay awake in classes. My days we filled with sleeping, eating and vomiting. I went to school less. I stayed in the house a lot.

10 weeks and some days into the pregnancy he called and said I’m coming to pick you up get dressed. I did as told. I had now wrapped my mind around the abortion. We went to the doctor. He stayed outside the doctor’s office and gave me the money. I went inside, told the nurse what I was there for. I had to lie about my age. I went in to see the doctor. He asked questions about the pregnancy. Then he stuck this thing in my arm and told me to go back to the waiting room. I waited there until it was only 4 people left. Two women, a teenager and her mother. The 4 of us went into a room downstairs. We took off our clothes. A nurse checked if we had pads to put on after the procedure and offered to sell us if we didn’t have. I opted to go last. The woman who went in first screamed a lot. I thought about leaving. The other two didn’t make a sound. It was my turn. I went in, went on the bed and set in a positive as if I was giving birth. The doctor placed a mask over my nose and mouth and told me to take 2 deep breaths. I heard or saw nothing more. Until I heard someone say “you’re moving,  good. Get up and go in the shower and wash off. If you see excess bleeding let me know.” I did as told and got dressed.

I went outside the building. I was weak but I managed to. He wasn’t there. I went back inside and called him. He said he went home and he’ll be there in a few minutes. Few minutes turned to an hour and a half. He finally came. He took me home. The drive was silent. Dropped me off. He didn’t even wait to make sure I reached the door safely. I cried the entire night.

The next couple of days I tried all the less painful suicide methods I could find. I quit school. Our relationship lasted 5 months after the abortion. 4 years later and I’m nowhere near achieving my career goal that I thought I would achieve after the abortion. The life I thought I could have prevented with the abortion is the same life I’m living now, no career, a mediocre job and no drive in life.

#20 - Regret

I am a mom of three. I have had two abortions before, both shortly after the birth of my children. I am a high risk mom, pregnancy was never easy and my body wasn’t ready to have more children yet.

But my third abortion… I was in love, I was freshly divorced, he was newly married. We had been together for 5 years so far. I had thought we could be together and turned a blind eye to his marriage. I didn’t even realize he had cum inside me. I had no idea. That was in November. I found out I was pregnant in late January. I thought yes it would be rough but if I had my love beside me, we could make it.

He didn’t want it. He said I could make my decision but in his opinion he didn’t want it. I was already going through co-parenting hell with my ex, I had just been confirmed in a great job, my life was just looking up. I decided to have an abortion.

Before the procedure the doctor did an ultrasound a few days before and I saw it, just what looked like a little ball. I decided to to go through with it, I was ill, tired, frumpy and couldn’t look after the kids I had.

I went in for the procedure. Counted backwards from 10 and fell under. I felt nothing. I woke up, saw the bloody tools, used the bathroom and went into the recovery room. I started to cry, I was confused. My womb was empty. What had I done? Where was my ball? I lost my shit.

I wasn’t ok for weeks. I would cry so much my six year old became concerned. A child concerned. I couldn’t eat, everything tasted like ash. My boyfriend also took it hard, even though it was his idea. He avoided me. I cried every five minutes. I wished for death every-time I fell asleep. My other paramour tried to comfort me, I rejected him. I had to go back to my doctor. He gave me pills. Life wasn’t so bad.

I popped pills and prayed until I could smile again. But my heart was always empty. My friends said it was the best thing, but I would see babies and die inside. I would be in meetings and see my baby drooling and creeping across the table.

Why had I done this, I’m successful, I could afford it, I have my own home, her/his father is a businessman, we’re both educated and over 30. I loved him/her. So call me stupid but right now I am trying to get pregnant. Things are better. He also wants a baby. Then why did we do it then? I want my baby back. None of the other abortions hurt me like this one. But I want back my baby. I hope God forgives me for going against my conscience, not for the act of aborting but for aborting a baby I wanted.

#19 - Not My Decision

I was 16 years old, from a poor family, and was with this older guy… 21 years old, from a middle-class family. We had been talking (nothing sexual) since I was 14 years old. 

At 16 we had sex for the very first time. I hadn’t missed a period, but I knew I felt weird. I had learnt enough about my body in school to know that something was off. 

I told my boyfriend, and he suggested that I did a pregnancy test. Sure enough, it was positive. We had mixed reactions because we were both Christians and he had just started Med school abroad.
We spoke about it for 2 days until he invited me back to his house where he lived with his sister. The sister did not ask questions, she just started instructing me on what to do… so pretty much she had already made an appointment for me at their family doctor. I did not object. I went with her and did the procedure without even thinking.

This was July 03rd of 2003, and my Valedictory service was set to July 4th. Not only had I just had an abortion before I even had time to digest that I was pregnant, but I had to go back to my mother’s house, pretend to be fine, hide my antibiotics, and attend my school leaving exercise the following day.
It was hard for me because I really loved this guy. Fast forward many years later… we broke up, and I still haven’t told my mother that I ever got pregnant. I deeply regret this decision because I feel it was never even mine. I have since married and conceived but it haunts me every time I hear an abortion story.

#18 - The First And Then…

Often times we hear the word abortion and we think, “hell” or “murderer” or “if you do it too many times it will kill you. That’s God’s way of punishing you”. 

I read a story a few moments ago that I could relate to. Growing up I was moulded to be a “model child”. I was expected to get good grades, lead by example when in reality I was being mentally and verbally, even physically abused by the woman who was supposed to help shape me into a strong beautiful woman. Due to this, I became vulnerable while putting on a brave face. I didn’t think I was smart enough, pretty enough or was just enough.

At the age of 22 I was still being controlled, treated like a child and due to my “carelessness” I became pregnant with my first child, a part of me knew I was pregnant but the other part refused to accept so I hid the truth for a while, when I broke free there I was at the doctor with the nurse telling me to lie back. As I did she said “your belly is too big”, as it turns out I was 5 months too late. 

Fast track to two years later. I am messing around with a popular entertainer, in my eyes, he was nowhere near being a gentleman, and given the nature of his job I knew he would deny it. I had to think and do something quickly so I confided in a friend. She told me of a place and she had her other friend follow me. Heading there I was nervous I played many scenarios in my head the could have been, how did I allow my self to get here. I was scared. We arrived the place was dark and gloomy, no hint of colour or life. I pressed on none the less. I was called in the back and was told to derive from my waist and sit on the “bed” I did as I was told. The doctor was talking to me but all I could think about was how many babies were sucked out in the very spot. Before you know it, there it was a ball of blood not taking any physical human form. 

I tried my best to forget as much as I could about it and I did. I lied when I went for check-ups at the doctor, it’s always that burning question “have you ever had an abortion..?” I was not remorseful at all. I was relieved. I wasn’t ready for that sort of humiliation. I moved on with my life. 

So I met a guy he’s heaven-sent, I’m thinking I love this man and I just met him. We have the best time together. Three months in, there you have it. I’m pregnant, again. And this came months after the first abortion. I hated myself again. But I wanted to please him. We spoke I told him I wasn’t ready. He agreed. He gave me the money and I found myself back at the same place I went to do my first abortion, where the nurse told me I was 5 months pregnant. I sat and waited nervously, trying to compare the last abortion to this would it be the same, is it gonna hurt? What will be different? I was called to the back and was told to take all my clothes off and put on the robe. I was asked if I’m allergic to anything and was given a little white pill in the event I had an allergic reaction. I was then called to an operating room before you know it I was out. 

When I woke up I had no recollection of what took place after I sat on the bed with my legs in stirrups. When I woke up I was alone. I had no one waiting for me, no support, nothing. I had to be strong. I had to haul my ass back to my safe haven. I was embarrassed to be pregnant. But also embarrassed about having an abortion or two. So I keep it too myself not being able to talk to anyone about it, I try to erase the memories of it. But I was never remorseful.

#17 - Unsought Protestation

Abortion itself is a difficult word to swallow. I’ve been on this blog many times. I even memorized the name so I wouldn’t forget. A safe place. I found the notion of the word kinda useless to me a year ago but nevertheless, I continue. I’ve been staring at my phone screen several minutes wondering if I’m ready to become vulnerable all over again. 

March 18. UWI Carnival. 
I was drunk, had sex and became pregnant some weeks after. 

Still can’t fully remember what happened the night but the consequences will remain forever. My period never came. Many pregnancy tests later confirmed my pregnancy. I told my best friend and the father of the child I was ballistic but I eventually calmed down. Then everything got ten folds worse when my best friend told me she lost her mother to a botched abortion. So I decided the best choice was to have the child in that moment. 

It was the first time after the death of my father’s mother I heard my father cry. The situation was already devastating and being an only child made it even worse. My mother’s silence was deafening. No words of confidence or disappointment. Nothing. 

The day after, I went to the doctors with my best friend and my boyfriend. The night before was long but this day was even longer. The doctor confirmed what I knew but didn’t want to be true and she asked me how could’ve she be of assistance. Long story short, she gave me a doctor’s number to get the abortion done. 

When I left her office, I just told me best friend and boyfriend I wasn’t pregnant and it was just a hormonal issue to make them feel better because no one deserved to go through the journey I’m about to. I wanted to keep it as long as I could’ve to delay the inevitable. Few weeks passed when I came to terms with what I needed to do. So now that I had accumulated the money the doctor had told me he was unable to carry out the abortion because I was 11 weeks and 5 days which is basically coming to the end of the first trimester after which the complication would have drastically increased. He gave me another doctor who he said would have the facility to carry out a later termed abortion. I went to them on Monday and he said he will try his best. 

Skipping through the earlier parts– Finally, I reached on the operating table. I was given anaesthetics. I felt my legs open and the clamps reaching inside me. I vomited. It wasn’t the pain that made me feel sick. It was a different kinda upset that ‘till this day I can’t describe. Then I blacked out. 

The operation was over. He helped me up I put on my pad and the rest of my clothes signed the rest of the documents left and went back home. The after pain was like an extremely difficult period. My lips were blue. I was cold and I was lifeless. I just lay there. The thought of suicide pierced my mind for a while, but eventually, I shook it off.

That semester I failed all my exams, which was expected. But nevertheless, I pushed on. Over a year has now passed and I still feel like it happened some weeks ago. 

I talk about it in therapy but as a miscarriage, not an abortion because I didn’t want the judgment and critical reasoning. I just wanted someone to help me not to tip over on the dark side because that’s where I was going through. 

I’m getting better, I think. Now and again I feel worthless like I should never be able to conceive after doing what I did. Maybe one day it won’t be as crippling and I could think about it and not fall into a depressive episode for days or even weeks. One day I just want to believe that it wasn’t the right time or place, and just be content enough with that reason. But for now, I’m fighting to stay sane and alive one day at a time. 

Thanks for the platform.

#16 - Hmm…

I’m still not sure if I regret it… still not certain if the decision I made was the correct one…and how will I ever know? Of course, had it not been for that decision, I wouldn’t be who I am today, doing the things I do and living the life I live and still, there is a pang of regret lingering inside my heart… especially since I am not certain I can produce anymore children. There are days I sit and think “wow… I could have been someone’s mommy” and there are days when I completely forget that fact. I’m caught up with being the me I am today.

I’ve always been a sad little thing. I grew up in a typical Jamaican home, situated in a “semi ghetto”. No zinc houses and board floors but it wasn’t quite sophisticated enough to be considered a “suburban area”… far from it. I had a tough task. I was to be the saviour… the “deliverer” of the pack. The first to graduate and make a better life, better than the ones those before were able to secure. My family was plagued by the disease of teenaged pregnancy. It was a curse that the women in my family sang until I caught the tune. They were rigid, my family. They held onto me so tight… wanting to protect me from the dangers of the outside world… wanted to protect their “prized bull” from the “curse”. Unfortunately, what I feared the most lived within those very walls I was only occasionally allowed to leave, to attend school and church. I faced demons inside that house that did more damage to my body, mind and self esteem than any predator could. I will not share the gory details of my physical, emotional, mental and yes, sexual abuse from the man we all trusted.

I got out…when I was of the legal age. I left and I’ve been running ever since. My first stop was just a little distance from the personal hell I had escaped from. I was pulled in by this beautiful and glamorous being. I shared my stories with her, my experiences, my doubts, my fears, my joy, my sorrow… I shared my life. She pretended to care about my scars. She dangled a sewing kit and duct tape in front of my face. If only I knew it was only a facade…a lure. It wasn’t long before I was living in her home with her husband and kids. It wasn’t long before I was inducted into a sex charged relationship with them. It felt good… to be wanted… not by one person but two. To be hugged and kissed… to wake up beside people who truly cared for me… to have a family. Hmm, silly. Once again, I had only subjected my mind, body and soul to people who only wished to cause harm but this time was worse. This time I gave it up freely.

Fast forward to 2011. I discovered I was pregnant… 9 weeks. The fruit of one of those unsecured sexcapades. Oh how she cried, as she was absent. I felt so lost. I found myself up at night just rubbing my stomach and promising the foetus that everything would be okay. Silly. She pushed for an abortion, took the time off from work and speedily found somewhere that could do it the same day (so helpful). I went into that room, received anesthesia and had my child removed from me. I don’t remember a thing about the procedure. I just woke up feeling dizzy. Dizzy and empty. I cried bitterly for days. I ended up in the hospital days later because I had lifted a box at work. The pain was unbearable and seemed to have lasted a lifetime. I was happy, when I saw those two lines on the test. I’m not sure where the feeling came from but it was there. Happiness. It felt so foreign. I wasn’t used to it. It only came in small waves for me. I informed my mother of my pregnancy. Her response: you’re gonna get rid of it? So funny how many opinions were available when I was pregnant but no comfort was provided when I was drowning in my own tears from the heartbreak I felt after it was gone. I moved on. Got my life on track but…

I’m still not sure if I regret it….

#15 - My First Baby

It’s been 15 years, I have forgotten the date but it was December 2003. I was in my second year of University, I had just started dating a married man. I know, it was immoral, it was bad, but it happened. I was also casually sleeping with a man who I found incredibly sexy albeit quite crass. Neither of them fit my Immaculate High School description of the kind of man I wanted to fall in love with, be with, marry. 

We met up at The Four Seasons and we had sex, the rush of being a bad girl and somehow feeling so liberated and free to sleep with anyone rushed through me. The sex in my little 21 year old mind was great, it was greatly intoxicating. 

I got pregnant. Two weeks later, no period. I took a test, casually but also slightly anxious about what if? Well, I saw a plus sign and I knew that I had to get rid of this. My mother would kill me, I was only 21, he was married, I could not support or even entertain a baby, this was a disaster. 

I called him and said we need to talk. His voice sounded serious, he said okay I will call you back. He called, I told him; ‘I am pregnant.’ He said; ‘What are we going to do?“ My instant answer: 'I cannot have a baby.’ He said okay, I told him I would talk to my doctor. She did not do terminations, I remember her asking me; “Are you interested in the pregnancy?’ I said: No.’ The following day, we went to see the doctor who determined I was about 5 weeks, he showed me an image on a chart of what that would look like. I glanced and looked away. He gave me an injection and told me to insert some pills to miscarry. I did, I had cramps that night, but nothing happened. 

I listened to Britney Spears Email My Heart.. over and over and over, I thought of how evil I was, I thought of the innocent baby trying to breathe, trying to inhale while the poison from the injection suffocated him.. I thought it was a son. I bawled, I bawled all night. I text messaged my boyfriend who no doubt was in bed with his wife and told him how bad I felt, he tried to console me. I bawled and bawled. Day break came, my panties were clean. I was exhausted, heartbroken, scared and worried that I would suffer some infection or poison from a dead fetus as the internet told me. 

I told him the next day that I needed more money to get the procedure done in a different way, he agreed. We went back to the doctor who recommended that I do a Dilation and Curettage (d&c). I lay on the bed and the doctor shone a bright lamp between my legs, he inserted something and I started to squirm, Danny (married boyfriend) held on to my hand and kissed my forehead, reassuring me that it was okay. I started to cry as I felt searing pain and suction sounds. I saw blood in a huge suction dropper thing that the doctor squeezed into the sink in running water. I squirmed, sobbed, took deep breaths and thought that this was my punishment for sleeping with someone’s husband. He kept kissing my head, rubbing my face and saying: "it’s okay baby.” It wasn’t though, it wasn’t okay. A part of me was destroyed that night, a part of me was flushed down the sink like garbage. I hurt a part of me. 

Its been 15 years and I now have four beautiful children, and a wonderful husband. To the baby I gave up then, I am sorry. I hope you will understand and I hope God has forgiven me.

#14 - I Just Want to Be Ok Again

It was very easy to say that I would always choose my career over anything else. It was the easiest thing to say before I let a baby ruin my life I would get rid of it quickly and without remorse. It was a choice between myself and it and at the end I would emerge victorious. It was easy to say this until I saw the two lines appear on that pregnancy test.

I didn’t want to believe it, I mean for five days now I was convincing myself that my body was trolling me that my period was simply delayed although this was extremely rare. I laughed in my boyfriend’s face as he solemnly looked at me and confirmed it. Babe, you are pregnant. But nothing hit me like those two lines. There was something inside of me and….there was something inside me. It was finally a choice, not a hypothetical situation you discuss with friends as a hot lunchtime topic or an intellectual debate to be had with the obnoxious people you come across every now and then. This was real life and I was either having a baby or I was gonna kill it. My boyfriend already knew the choice to make, we couldn’t afford it. We wished it was different but we couldn’t keep it. I was torn.

Somehow little me had become this protective mama bear determined to face the world for the thing inside me that was no bigger than a pea. But it was mine and I had to protect it but really who was I fooling? I couldn’t take care of myself half the time. I wasn’t eating properly, I was barely making ends meet as it was how could I bring a child into this world?

Like at 24 why was I even having this conversation shouldn’t I at least be in a position to consider bringing a child into the world? I saw teens taking it on and making do. I had a degree I was about to embark on a career that I was determined to be successful in but this was just not the right time. What would my mother think? She would stretch her already stretched resources to help because that’s how she is but she’s already done that for years I think I owe it to her to just not add one more thing to worry about.

So I do it. I do the surgical abortion and I killed the baby but I think I also killed myself. I fool myself into thinking I’m fine but I’m not. The procedure was fine. It was safe and well done (not that I have anything to compare it to) but I’m not okay. I struggle to wake up in the morning and I try to seem like I’m okay but I’m not fine. I killed it to save myself. I can’t discuss it with friends, I don’t want to become the girl who dash weh belly. I can’t discuss it with my best friend, my mom, because I’m afraid she would love me less. I just don’t know when I’ll be okay again and I desperately need that, to be okay again.

#13 - Thrice To Make It Right

Three years later and the pain still lingers… I had just turned 18 and was completing my first year at University. I missed my period. But there was no way I could’ve been pregnant since I took the morning after! I went to the doctor because I was feeling cramps and thought it was a recurring UTI. I went to the doctor within 2 weeks of my missed period and my test was positive (no feint line, I was well on my way). Shocked and confused, I asked him about termination.  He advised me that it would cost  $25,000. Though I was worried, my boyfriend was willing to support any decision I made. But there was no way that I could disappoint my parents. Are you crazy?! I cannot afford a child at this age. I hardly made it through my first year financially. It was after this realization that I made my final decision to terminate the pregnancy. I never wanted to be in such a dilemma. I never thought I would be one of them to “dash weh belly.” I cried. I heard it was a painful experience and all I could’ve imagine was the horror images of an aborted baby. I was couple days away from my exams and decided to wait until my exams were complete. I would still be within a month. 

I went back to the doctor on a Monday. He inserted a pill to allow me to bleed it out. The pain was the worst I ever felt. It was excruciating and felt as if my uterus was tearing apart but… I did not bleed. I went back on the Wednesday and he redid the same procedure. I bled lightly that night but that was it. I returned the Friday and he immediately had me on anesthesia. I had no idea of what was about to happen. I was alone and scared. I found strength I didn’t know I had. The procedure was two hours long. I was partly conscious  and could feel the cold metals against my uterus. My boyfriend at the time was out of parish because this procedure was not planned. I had no one to call because no one else knew about it. I had to wait a couple more hours so I could get a public transport to get home. I was paranoid on the ride home. Could these people tell I had an abortion?! The decision haunted me for about a year until I realized I needed not to be guilty and make use of the opportunities ahead.

Three years later, I completed my degree. Was it worth it? I’m still not sure.

#12 - Decisions

Growing up I always swore on my life that no matter what, I’ll never do an abortion. I loved kids and having an abortion was a wicked act! But people will always say tings til they end up in the situation. 

A couple of months ago I found myself wondering why I was feeling so much abdominal pain yet I had no period. Like all the signs would add up to pregnancy but I’m like “No! No way it can be.”. Finally, I decided to take a pregnancy test and when I saw that it was positive I sat there and cried wondering what the shit am I to do. 

I messaged who I knew was the dad- me and this guy were like best friends. When I told him, him a go ask me if “I’m certain” and tell me “that cya be” and whole bag a sump…  Mi aseh to mi self the amount a pain mi a feel (cya eat, cya sleep, cya do nothing) and this breda a come tell mi fuckery. 

I told couple people I trusted that I was pregnant, and they were excited and all but I was scared, afraid, lonely. I kept my distance from everybody. I was so afraid to tell my mum and my best friend but I built up the courage to tell my best friend and when I told her, her reaction actually surprised me! She said she would support whatever it is that I decide to do, as much as she would love a lil’ god child. 

So one day my mother came to me and asked if I was pregnant I told her yes. The amount a cussing and bad words I got and her immediate thing to say “u betta guh Doctor go wash it out! Ya idiot how fi mek this happen to you, youu no wa drive ur car, have ur house and all a that” It hurt hearing that come from her. She brought me to a gynecologist, when I saw that little person on screen growing inside me I cried. I was given some pills to insert and to come back.

I woke up the next morning feeling nervous and filled with guilt. They made me lay down until I started to bleed, then was taken into a room and placed on a table or whatever it’s called the thing where my legs were spread apart. It was the most uncomfortable thing ever. I got an injection that made me drowsy.

I don’t remember everything clearly but I recall feeling a suction below and the nurse in the room telling me to relax and breathe in breathe out. I’m just there to myself wondering “a weh d bloodclaat do this lady thou?” 

When I walked out that building that day I felt empty because I got so used to that child within me. I never pray n bawl suh inna my life before this had happened. I found myself cutting off people that cared about me and meant so much. 

I found hard to tell some people because of the stigma that surrounds this specific topic. I started feeling depressed, so I tried to pull myself out of it by trying to talk to people, watching videos, going to the beach etc. 

I still communicate with the person who got me pregnant, he did admit to the fact that he is a waste man and all them things deh and he’s really sorry and he knows what I did wasn’t easy. But with all a that, I tell him day in day out that I hate him and hated him very much because it was him and my mother that force me to it- not forcefully but by not having the support it just made me say “fuck this, I ain’t go raise my child without no dad”. 

I’m not saying I couldn’t do raise a child on my own, but I was thinking of my child. I was thinking only a few days ago before I wrote this that, if I had the child, it would be a repeat if history because my mother had my older brother at 20 and that was my exact age. Also, my child would be born the exact month as my brother, and I’d always hear my mum’s stories of how she had to raise him by her self. 

But what I’m trying to say is that everything happens for a reason and I pray to God that he bless me with a child again. 

#11 - Untitled

I’ve never really told my real story and it haunts me every day.

I got pregnant at 19 years old by my boyfriend. How did I find out? Do you know the saying “mothers know everything”? Well, my mother’s menstruation cycle and my cycle were always close and my period would always come right after hers. She noticed that I hadn’t been complaining as usual about pre-menstrual symptoms. This wasn’t the first time it was a couple days off, but this time she looked at me say asked, “Are you pregnant?” Immediately my body got cold & I said: “No, why would you ask that…”

I didn’t think I was pregnant; I just thought my period was just a couple days late. But deep down I knew it was a possibility. StilI, didn’t think I was, so I waited couple more days. Three days after my breasts were tender, more tender than how they would be when my period was coming, nonetheless, I thought my period was definitely coming.

I was wrong. I told my boyfriend about everything and he said I’m probably pregnant indeed. I went and got 3 pregnancy tests and they all came out positive. I stared at them for an hour then FaceTimed my best friend with tears running down my face & asked: “Do you know where I can get an abortion?”

I didn’t give it a long thought. I’m at UWI pursuing a medical degree which my parents are paying for. I know for sure they would never forgive me for getting pregnant. I’m sure they would just disown me - very sure of it. That was the reason why I had to get it done. 

I’m a determined person so I know for sure a baby wouldn’t stop me from getting to my goal, it would just be a delay but how could I pay my own school fee & fiend for myself? My boyfriend wanted the baby sooo badly & I wanted it too. In fact, he started to make future plans for us to migrate. I knew he could afford a child but not to send me back to school.

I selfishly made the decision on my own and within 2 days I went to get it terminated. I didn’t have the courage to tell him then and I still don’t have it to tell him now. He would be very hurt. 

I told him I lost that baby. When he noticed I was bleeding, he gave me a bath, made me tea & rubbed my tummy until I fell asleep. I cried so much.. I was heartbroken & I was the one who broke his heart without him truly knowing. He had even picked out names…

Every day I think about how supportive he would’ve been, & we would’ve been a family right now.

#10 - It was hard but it was the best thing to do

On March 6 2016, I found out I was pregnant and instantly my world became chaos.

I already had a child who was five years old, and although I always said that I wanted another child, the situation wasn’t ideal at the time. I was seeing someone, but I was also messing with a married man and after I found out I was pregnant I knew it was not for my boyfriend. 

For two weeks I tried to convince myself that the baby was for my boyfriend, but in the back of my mind, I knew it wasn’t true. The married guy was happy when I told him I was pregnant but then soon after, I began hearing stories that he was a deadbeat to his kids. 

So I told my boyfriend that I was pregnant and I wasn’t keeping it. He honestly never put much effort into it and quickly provided me with the money for the procedure.

The day I got the money I asked a friend who had done the procedure before to accompany me. I told the doctor that I wanted pills for a medical abortion but he told me that he doesn’t give pills, he only does the procedure, so I left. 

That same night I found out that my boyfriend was married to a woman overseas and then I just got angry and made up my mind to do it. 

When I went to the doctor they sent me into a room and told me to change into the gown. Soon after, the doctor and his assistant came into the room and gave me an injection, and within a few seconds, I was sedated. It all felt like I was in a daze I was in and out of consciousness - I felt a little cramping and then I was out again. 

When I was brought to the recovery room I was crying and screaming like crazy begging God to forgive me and saying that my mother would hate me if she knew. I was literally a mess to the point where the doctor came to console me. It was a rough experience emotionally, and all I could think about was my first child that had died shortly after childbirth and I felt like I was the worst person in the world for having this procedure after experiencing something like that. 

My friend was waiting for me outside and she got her boyfriend to drop me home. When I got home the gates were chained and I had to jump the fence. (Just my luck). When my mom came out to let me in I had to sober up and pretend everything was ok. 

For a week I was locked in my room feeling guilty and remorseful for what I did. I could not eat and I was just extremely depressed. I felt like I had to make up for what I did. 

Within two months I was pregnant again but that was a roller coaster ride. 

An abortion is not the easy way out because you have to live with the guilt but sometimes it is necessary and a woman should be allowed the choice to choose what to do with her body. So as hard as it was for me initially, I am pro-choice. I have grown to be open enough to even admitting that I had an abortion because I know I did the right thing.

#9 - I Thought This Was Supposed to Bind Us Together Forever!

There’s really no wrong or right way in doing this so here it goes.

I found out I was pregnant in September 2015, on his birthday to be exact! Lol. I don’t know, I just remember feeling sleepy all the time and this constant need to be around him (oh yes, it’s real). So before we went out that night to celebrate his birthday he went to buy a test. We had slipped up a night in late August so we when my period was late it was more like validation in a sense. We lived really close to each other so I got the test and did it before going out. Keep in mind, I was only in fifth form in high school while this all was happening and he was just turning 19. I told him (as a matter of fact I showed him) the results over dinner.

We thought long & hard about what to do. We did research on procedures, remedies, and he started applying for work everywhere he could. We were just confused! After reading over the weeks, I knew the procedure isn’t by any far cheap, but nor was raising a human being. I was two months along when I did it. At the time, no one really knew -just the two of us and our best friends (you know I had to express myself to someone & my hunger lol).

Because it took a while, we got so attached, which made it harder to go through with it. I was always forgetful, hungry and constantly throwing up, hiding it wasn’t easy. Everything was just emotionally draining. But give Ceaser what due to him, I wouldn’t have survived if it I didn’t have his support through it all. 

I remember nights of us just crying together and talking to our baby (he was convinced it was a girl because I craved his presence and was calmer when he was around). 

Eventually, we told his older sister who’s an angel and was super supportive and caring. All three of us when to see the doctor in Ocho Rios the first day where he explained the two-day procedure carefully, then I went into a sperate room and he inserted two pills. I was given two additional pills along with painkillers and a prescription and was told to sit over a pan of hot water twice a day. 

He and I went back two days after, this was the day I was put to sleep DID NOT FEEL A THING and he did the suction. Woke up about three hours later a little dizzy… luckily I wasn’t alone at home. I took my meds and the following week went for a follow-up and everything was good. THANK GOD!

But how could this reach me again? In 2017 I found out I was pregnant again! All of a sudden the scent of ganja was the most disgusting thing I could smell. I mean I was in college now & weed was life, so right then and there I knew what was up. I was leaving in a few weeks, ticket bought & everything. So his friend his same best friend had just gone away on that work & travel thing, so he had gone and asked his friend to help us out with the other procedure. Which he did without question. I went back to the same doctor and luckily everything was done on time and correctly.

Do the decisions still affect me? You know while I did internalise a lot of how I felt and was at peace with the fact that he and I were “on the same page”, I have never stopped feeling disgusted with myself for what I have done. 

It was easier to deal with when I thought that we would be boned forever… but no. He migrated last year, and we are no longer dating, who’s gonna want to be with me now?  

His move was a trigger for me emotionally but this pushed me to my breaking point. His best friend’s girlfriend and I had an altercation last summer and the first thing she said was “send back me man money come weh him send yuh man fi you dash weh belly” Believe me when I say I wanted to drop down right there and then. Although we aren’t together anymore, his friend did apologise and said in his defence she “read his messages”. 

I still haven’t recovered from hearing it out loud, you know, I’m a ‘dash weh belly gal’. 

Maybe it’s because it was coming from somewhere close, mouth and mouth meet, people say what they want to hurt you when you argue. But it different when dem actually know! And it was a girl I admired, shit hit me hard. That and the fact that I never felt closure in the way he handled it.

Between that encounter, social media shadey attacks and the breakup. Suicide was my last try, fail attempt luckily

Now I just take it easy & listen to music or work out when I find my thoughts leading back to the darkness.

#8 - Jesse, Please Forgive Me

I’ve been avoiding this page for a while because my heart is broken and I am ridden with guilt. I felt like looking at the stories here would be a trigger for the depressive episodes I’ve been having for the past few years.

When I first saw the blurb for this project on Twitter, I told my psychiatrist who said: “Read the stories when you’re ready…maybe you’ll want to share…but at the very least maybe you’ll discover you’re not alone.”

I’m not brave enough to read the stories yet, but I want to share my story.

Before I get to the abortion, I need to tell you how much I loved the father of my child. When we met, he was going through a life change and things didn’t work out between us. We went on one date and never had sex.

After the incident that drove us apart, he sent me a long text message to apologise but he never came to me in person to express himself. That hurt me the most because he essentially ghosted me. Remember this, it’s important later.

Fast forward several years, and I started thinking about him. At first it was the occasional “I wonder how he’s doing?”, but then I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I decided to email him and he replied.

I waited for him to come to me and apologise for his past mistake and discuss what really happened that night. This went on for months, but he never showed up once. He asked me to accompany him to an event, and I bought a beautiful dress that’s still in the back of my closet gathering dust.

I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t asking me out. Why he wasn’t coming to visit me. So I gave up on him. Maybe that spark wasn’t there anymore and he’d moved on.

I left for a while and when I returned, I saw a message from him that was sent while I was boarding my flight. Somehow that turned into him coming to my house. I had not seen this man in years, and suddenly he was before me. I was nervous. And as I stood trying to gather my thoughts and think of what to say, he walked straight up to me and kissed me. He kissed me like I have never been kissed and my knees went weak. My mind was blank. The spark was still there.

We ended up having sex for the first time, and it was…amazing. He knew exactly what to do, exactly what I wanted. After, I asked him how long he’s been in love with me, he froze then told me from when we originally met but he never believed he had a chance with me.

He confessed that during the time we were becoming reacquainted and talking on and off, not only had he started a new relationship out of loneliness but the woman had moved in with him because of her circumstances. He told me at first he didn’t love her, but he fell in love over time and they were comfortable.

It was happening again…something stopping us from being together. There is such a thing as the right person, wrong time, and I feel that way about him. We had sex one more time, and this is when I got pregnant. I know for sure, because shortly after conception, I had to be blood tested for a chronic illness I have, and a pregnancy test was one of the things they ran.

I’ll never forget when I went to the doctor’s office thinking I’d be updated on my treatment plan and heard “congratulations”. My doctor started to discuss treatment methods to accommodate my pregnancy. The risks of various medicines. How it would be a difficult pregnancy.

You know those scene in the movies where voices become an echo and the persona zones out till someone says their name to snap them back to reality? It was exactly like that. How could I be pregnant? I thought I couldn’t have kids.

And this is why I referred to my baby as a miracle.

He wanted no part of my pregnancy. He wanted me to have an abortion. He offered all sorts of reasons: he wasn’t financially capable of taking care of a baby, he could barely take care of his son, he couldn’t leave his girlfriend as he thought she’d kill herself, etc. She’d found out about us, and he’d decided he was going to stay with her because she was going through a hard time when they met and he’d fallen in love with her.

I explained to him that I have enough money for us both, and he offered the best excuse I have ever heard from any man: his father left his mother for a woman with money for a better life abroad. He couldn’t do the same. How do you even reply to that?

He ghosted me again but I decided to carry on with the pregnancy because this was my miracle baby. I could love this baby enough for us both, and while I was delaying telling my parents until I sorted myself out mentally, I knew they’d be happy for a grandchild.

After months, he called me out of the blue. By then I’d bonded with the baby and heard the heartbeat. I’d quietly been preparing things by myself, and he called me the same week I’d planned to tell my parents after family dinner. I can’t remember everything, but two things I do remember: first, he told me he was happy with his current relationship and wasn’t going to tell her I was pregnant, secondly, we had a fight on the phone that day because, after months of ghosting me, he behaved like nothing had happened.

I fainted because of the stress of that call. I remember waking up in the hospital and them explaining what had happened.

I lay there thinking about my life, and wondering how I got into this situation. I looked at it objectively: the father of my child has a habit of disappearing when things were hard, he never truly seemed serious about me, we had never been in a serious relationship or dated for any length of time and I was lying in the hospital alone. If a friend had come to me with this scenario I’d have told her to drop the guy because it was obvious he didn’t love, care for or respect her.

I started to think objectively. How could I raise a child alone, knowing that I have this chronic illness and my doctor explained it was going to be a difficult pregnancy? What if I die? Death was a risk. My doctor made this clear. I can leave my money to my child but who will take care of my child when my parents are elderly and may die in a few years? Could I trust this man who didn’t want to ruin his happy home, to acknowledge this child much less raise it?

I used to talk to my baby every day. I thought it was a girl, and I called her Jesse (“blessing” or “gift” in Hebrew) because that’s what she was. I’d tell her I loved her and I couldn’t wait to meet her. I’d tell her about all the places we’d go, things we’d do and experiences we’d have together. I’d tell her funny stories from my past. I’d tell her daddy was going through some things and would come around eventually.

He continued to ghost me, and I started to get sicker and eventually had to go on bed rest after collapsing several times. I couldn’t deal with the stress and had the abortion. I was alone. I was scared. And now I live each day heart broken and guilt-ridden.

It cost about $120,000 in total for the initial consultation, procedure, medication and the follow-up visit. The procedure itself didn’t take long and the doctor was recommended by a friend who had a high-risk pregnancy and also had an abortion. The doctor was compassionate, the nurse was pleasant but the room was sterile and cold. I’ll never forget that feeling. Cold permeating through my body as I lay on that table with my legs spread. I had to be hospitalised after, but in the end, everything worked out.

I may not ever get pregnant again and I believe I deserve this fate for killing my child. I believe I am a coward and I had the abortion without thinking it through. And I carry this pain alone because other than my personal doctor, therapist and the doctor and nurse that performed it, only two other people in my life know. I never told my family because I am too ashamed.

My therapist says I need to forgive myself and I don’t tell her how much I still cry about it. I don’t tell her that I don’t date anymore because I think I don’t deserve to be happy because of what I’ve done.

There are cliches about time healing but it’s a lie. Time and distance from the event doesn’t lessen the guilt of killing a baby you wanted. I’m ashamed of myself because I could have raised that child. My health is improving. I’ve experienced some amazing things and had even more financial prosperity since this event. But in my quiet moments, I cry because of the guilt, the shame…the regret.

I’ve spoken to him a few times since, so maybe ghosting isn’t the right word? Submarining? Just when I’m trying to forget him, he appears and stirs up all the negative emotions, then disappears when he sees I’m still angry. He’s never felt the need to deal with my anger for his actions. It should have been a red flag the first time we stopped communicating, and I do regret ever sending that email years later.

I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist to heal, but sometimes I worry it’ll never be enough. Sometimes I worry that therapy or working on myself will never mend this hole in my heart.

#7 - Untitled

I was 18 and it was my first year in college, my bf at the time was 29 and it was a very toxic relationship.
He insisted that he wanted a child with me because he wants me to be his wife, but I told him no. However, most times when we had sex he’d try to come inside me and I was taking emergency contraceptives a lot so I guess it became less effective.

Because he was continuously coming inside me, I decided to go on the pill so when my period didn’t come the first month I thought it was just the pill and I stopped taking them then I became really sick. I couldn’t eat anything I could barely sleep, couldn’t walk my whole body just felt awful and again I thought it was just a really bad reaction to the pill.  It continued and I decided to tell him and I he came for me one day and said he was gonna let me do a test and if I am pregnant he would take care of it. That day, he bought it and I read the test wrong.

After the symptoms continued I decided to go to the doctor and she told me I was pregnant, apart of me already knew that I was but I didn’t want to admit it. A part of me also wanted to give him a baby so bad because I felt that would make him love me more but I knew what I had to do so I told him and he gave me the money to do it.

That was the worst day of my life, I was awake for the procedure and I just wanted to die, throughout the whole thing I was just asking God to take my life because the pain was so much and I just kept think abt killing my first child and I just felt dead inside. After the procedure he didn’t check up on me to see how I was doing or anything, thankfully it was done properly so I had no complications.

That was 3 years ago and when I see babies that are the same age I wonder what my life would be like if I made a different decision. I wonder if when I want kids I won’t be able to have them or even if I am if they’ll be born with a birth defect. But at the end of the day, I think I made the best decision I could even though it wasn’t easy and I’ll have to live with my decision.