It’s been 15 years, I have forgotten the date but it was December 2003. I was in my second year of University, I had just started dating a married man. I know, it was immoral, it was bad, but it happened. I was also casually sleeping with a man who I found incredibly sexy albeit quite crass. Neither of them fit my Immaculate High School description of the kind of man I wanted to fall in love with, be with, marry.
We met up at The Four Seasons and we had sex, the rush of being a bad girl and somehow feeling so liberated and free to sleep with anyone rushed through me. The sex in my little 21 year old mind was great, it was greatly intoxicating.
I got pregnant. Two weeks later, no period. I took a test, casually but also slightly anxious about what if? Well, I saw a plus sign and I knew that I had to get rid of this. My mother would kill me, I was only 21, he was married, I could not support or even entertain a baby, this was a disaster.
I called him and said we need to talk. His voice sounded serious, he said okay I will call you back. He called, I told him; ‘I am pregnant.’ He said; ‘What are we going to do?“ My instant answer: 'I cannot have a baby.’ He said okay, I told him I would talk to my doctor. She did not do terminations, I remember her asking me; “Are you interested in the pregnancy?’ I said: No.’ The following day, we went to see the doctor who determined I was about 5 weeks, he showed me an image on a chart of what that would look like. I glanced and looked away. He gave me an injection and told me to insert some pills to miscarry. I did, I had cramps that night, but nothing happened.
I listened to Britney Spears Email My Heart.. over and over and over, I thought of how evil I was, I thought of the innocent baby trying to breathe, trying to inhale while the poison from the injection suffocated him.. I thought it was a son. I bawled, I bawled all night. I text messaged my boyfriend who no doubt was in bed with his wife and told him how bad I felt, he tried to console me. I bawled and bawled. Day break came, my panties were clean. I was exhausted, heartbroken, scared and worried that I would suffer some infection or poison from a dead fetus as the internet told me.
I told him the next day that I needed more money to get the procedure done in a different way, he agreed. We went back to the doctor who recommended that I do a Dilation and Curettage (d&c). I lay on the bed and the doctor shone a bright lamp between my legs, he inserted something and I started to squirm, Danny (married boyfriend) held on to my hand and kissed my forehead, reassuring me that it was okay. I started to cry as I felt searing pain and suction sounds. I saw blood in a huge suction dropper thing that the doctor squeezed into the sink in running water. I squirmed, sobbed, took deep breaths and thought that this was my punishment for sleeping with someone’s husband. He kept kissing my head, rubbing my face and saying: "it’s okay baby.” It wasn’t though, it wasn’t okay. A part of me was destroyed that night, a part of me was flushed down the sink like garbage. I hurt a part of me.
Its been 15 years and I now have four beautiful children, and a wonderful husband. To the baby I gave up then, I am sorry. I hope you will understand and I hope God has forgiven me.